The instinctual response to hearing the word “pain” is to look for a physical injury—perhaps a broken bone, sprained ankle, or a raging migraine. We tend to associate pain with something tangible, something that can be seen, measured, and dealt with through a streamlined treatment plan. On the other hand, emotional pain—the ache of the psyche—is relegated to the background, considered secondary. It doesn’t manifest in an obvious way, so it is often downplayed or dismissed. Dare I say, this oversight is a very unhealthy adaptation to the notion of “out of sight, out of mind.”
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The default focus on physical pain isn’t surprising, as it is easier to recognize and diagnose. Similarly, it is understandable to feel unable to respond productively when a loved one or friend comes to you, visibly upset and begins sharing something deeply painful. Displays of vulnerability make people uncomfortable because, at some level, there is a realization of how sacred it is when someone bares their heart and trusts you to keep them safe. In these moments, the response of the listener has a significant impact on the vulnerable person. It may make them feel better if they feel heard and understood, or worse than before if they feel like they are being belittled because of their struggles. Let’s look at some of the do’s and don’ts for how to respond effectively when someone confides in you about their emotional struggle.
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The very first step is to be an active participant in the conversation instead of just hearing the words. Put your phone away and give all your attention to the other person. Maintain good eye contact 50 to 70 percent of the time so the person knows that you aren’t distracted by anything else around you. Make your body language open and non-threatening. Withhold judgment in your internal dialogue so that you can listen with an open mind and respond effectively.
When it comes to the people we love and care about, it is natural to want to fix their problems by offering possible solutions. We often say phrases like, “Try to focus on the positives,” “Have more faith,” “Be patient, you will be rewarded,” and “Stay strong.” While it comes from a good place, it might be perceived as demeaning and condescending. Advice without empathy is always hurtful, especially if it seems to minimize the depth of someone’s emotional pain. Your loved one can feel as if they are not dealing with their situation correctly or that it is not a big deal to be causing such significant emotional strain. Try to hold back the urge to interrupt and offer unsolicited advice, and focus on simply being present. I like to picture it as holding someone’s hand in a dark room while they try to navigate towards the door to get out of there. Sometimes the most valuable thing is to simply be a stable ground for someone, anchoring them while they get themselves out of a negative emotional state. Your advice is likely to be more well-received when the other person asks for your thoughts and suggestions because it comes at a time when they are ready and seeking it.
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Validation is a core component of displaying empathy. Instead of directing focus on what they should and should not feel about a certain situation, shift the attention to simply acknowledging their emotions. This will convey acceptance and understanding. Phrases like, “I see how this has been so difficult/frustrating/scary for you,” can be powerful while navigating an emotionally charged conversation. Even if you disagree, showing someone you understand their thoughts and feelings is a sign of validation. It builds rapport, making the other person feel encouraged and willing to talk about solutions. Everyone goes through something traumatic and reacts to it in their own way. There is no right or wrong way to cope with emotional pain. Similarly, there is no standard that can quantify how much it hurts. Each person experiences pain differently with varying intensities, and each and every experience matters. It is extremely disturbing when emotional pain is compared and characterized by how much validation and attention it deserves according to someone else's opinion. “You should be grateful it is not worse.” “At least it is not so bad compared to what so and so went through.” If you can’t find something helpful to say, it’s better not to say anything that might inadvertently make things worse. A simple, heartfelt response like, “I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers,” can be both comforting and respectful of their emotions.
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While helping someone with their emotional struggle, it is important to understand what the other person is looking for in the conversation. Sometimes, they might just want someone to listen, and other times, they may be seeking advice. To ensure that you’re responding in a way that meets their needs, you could say something like:
“Hey, thank you so much for trusting me and reaching out. It takes a lot of courage to seek support. I want to ensure I’m responding in the most helpful way for you, so I wanted to ask—would you prefer advice on the situation that would help, or do you just need someone to listen?”
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Please make sure that you’re not shifting focus on yourself. Sharing personal anecdotes of your experience to demonstrate your understanding of their situation may be appealing. But doing so may unintentionally shift attention from the one who is hurting towards yourself. While it can occasionally be beneficial to hear from someone who has gone through something similar, it's crucial to assess the circumstances carefully and make sure the discussion stays focused on their feelings.
Supporting your loved one through a painful experience can take a toll on you, especially if you tend to feel deeply. It is important to recognize when something triggers a strong emotional response in you and take a step back to breathe and ground yourself. Adhering to your emotional boundaries and recognizing your limits ensures that you don’t hurt yourself in the process of helping someone. Please remember that you can help someone in fighting their battles but can’t make them your own. After an emotionally charged conversation, practice self-care techniques. If you don’t feel capable of holding space for someone in that moment, it’s okay to be honest about it. You can say something like, “I really care about what you’re going through, but I’m not in the right headspace to give you the support you deserve right now. I hope you understand, and I’m here for you when I’m able to be more present.” It’s important to remember that you’re human, and it’s okay to set boundaries when needed.
Emotional pain is a complex and crippling experience that requires time, patience, and support to navigate through. We have explored some of the do’s and don’ts of responding to someone’s emotional pain. In the end, it’s not about doing or saying the right things. It’s about simply being there and showing up with empathy and a non-judgmental attitude so the other person doesn’t feel like they are alone. You don’t have to provide answers or clear their pathway of possible roadblocks. You have to be a grounding and empathetic listener that allows them to navigate their emotions at their own pace. By doing this, you respect their experience and provide them with the help they really need.
Ayesha Sarwar Nooral is a dedicated clinical psychologist with extensive training in multiple domains of psychology. She advocated for mental health rights and accessible support for all.
Ayesha Sarwar Nooral is a dedicated clinical psychologist with extensive training in multiple domains of psychology. She advocated for mental health rights and accessible support for all.